A Mother’s Love

 

 

When I went to clean off an old desktop pc so that it could be reformatted I only really cared about finding one thing before we erased the hard drive…this email that I sent my son, Nick, when he went off to college.

From: Liz Dyer [lizdyer@comcast.net]

Sent: Thursday, October 06, 2005 3:38 AM

To: Nick Dyer

Subject: I wrote this for you on August 14, 2005

Everyone is too young to have their first child.

I was 32, had been married for four years, was fairly successful in my career, lived a responsible life.  I was grown-up “enough.”  At least I thought I was – right up until the moment I found out I was expecting.  That’s when the doubts began.  By the time I came home from the hospital with Nick there was no doubt about it,  I felt like a little girl again.  A little girl who had no idea what she had gotten herself into.

Oh, don’t get me wrong.  I was happy.  I was elated.  In fact, I was ecstatic.  I loved Nick from the moment I laid eyes on him.  I loved him like I had never loved anyone in my life.  I am not even sure I really knew what love was before I had Nick.  At least not unconditional, unselfish love.

I amazed myself with what I was willing to do, to give up, to go through to care for him, to love him, to just be with him. 

But still, I felt completely inadequate for the task at hand.  To compensate, I read everything about raising a child that I could get my hands on.  I asked my mom questions, sought advise from other moms and picked my husband’s brain. 

Just when I would think I had it down, he would change and enter another stage.  Infant, toddler, preschool, boy, adolescence, teenager.  The transitions were there and gone before I could catch my breath.  I couldn’t change gears fast enough.

I left him at college today.  That’s what got me to thinking about all of this.  Mostly, I’ve been wondering how in the world he turned out so wonderful.

I did a million things wrong.  I was too permissive when I should have been stricter, too strict when I should have been more lenient.  I remember that time he was just entering adolescence and I didn’t know what to do – I yelled a lot.  Then when he started to drive I was over protective.  And when I wanted him to do well in school I was too pushy.

But, there was one thing I always did well. I always loved him well.  And it was real love.  Pure love.  Good love.  The kind of love that makes up for a lot of mistakes.  The kind of love that says “even when I am doing the wrong thing, I am trying with every fiber of my being to figure out what I need to do different and better.” The kind of love that humbles a person enough to want to change and to admit when they are wrong.  The kind of love that strengthens a person so that they never, never, never give up and they are always willing to try again.

Scripture says that love covers a multitude of sins.  That brings me so much peace.  Because even though I know I was inadequate to shape a life, I discovered I had the ability to love enough to make up for my inadequacies.

I love you Nick.  I have since before you were born and I always will. 

Thank you for waking up the love in my heart.  Thank you for teaching me what it means to love unconditionally.  Thank you for being a testimony to the power of love.

I love you,

Mom